When I started this adventure I like to call motherhood eight years ago I had no true idea of where it would take me. I had no idea that I would have so much love to give and that my heart could break so many times. I had no idea that I would not always have the right answer or react in the correct way. I had no idea that I would get so little sleep and still be able to function (barely) without it. I had no idea that I could doubt myself so much.
I have been feeling like a terrible mother as of late. I read many blogs out there of these amazing women who seem to have it all under control. They always have the right answers. They always seem to be doing something creative with their children and taking them fun places. I do realize that people only put the “good” stuff on their blogs, but still it makes me feel like I am not doing something right. We do not paint, color, and craft every day around here – I don’t have the patience for it. I hate to clean it all up. When I do get it all out we have a blast and I love to see my kids be creative, I am trying to do it more. My goal is to have a craft day with Rylee twice a week. Does that mean I am not doing my job properly?
When you are feeling like you aren’t doing something right that means that you should sit down and ponder why you are feeling that way. At least that’s what I think. So I have spent the last few months thinking about the kind of mother I am and what needs to be improved. I have talked with many other mothers and listened in on conversations at play dates. I think we all feel the same. We are all wondering if we are doing this job right. It isn’t like there is a instruction manual given to us with each kid. It would be easier if the things you figured out with child #1 worked the same with child #2 and #3. I wonder daily if I am making the right decisions for my kids. If I am teaching them the things that I should. If I have done enough to pass on the knowledge that I do have.
I want my kids to be independent. I want them to be good people who think about others before themselves. I want them to love the Gospel as much as I do. I want them to love their family and want to be with us forever. I want them to know what it means to make good decisions and to face the consequences when they do not. I want them to know that their best is good enough. I want them to love books. I want them to find their own passions. I want them to be grateful for what they have. I want them to feel loved. I want them to know their Savior.
I guess what I have realized is that most of the time I feel like I am failing and haven’t made the right decisions, but I just have to do the best I know how at the time. When I learn something new and a better way then I need to chance what I am doing and improve. No every day around here isn’t perfect. Sometimes there is a bit of yelling. Sometimes there is a bit of stubbornness. Sometimes I don’t make all the right decisions. I am trying.
Then I have moments where I see the fruits of my labors. Someone comments on how kind my kids are to others. I see them find something they truly enjoy doing – even if I had to force gentle push them into doing it. When they have their own spiritual moments and the Spirit just shines through them. When a little voice says to me, “Mom, you are my best friend! I love you!” Someone tells me how well adjusted my kids seem to be. I see them run off to their first day of school without looking back. When I hear their answers in Primary. When I get a huge hug and know that this person loves me even if I didn’t make all the right decisions that day. Then for a simple moment I realize that I am not doing it all wrong. I am doing some things right. Doing creative things with them everyday and taking them fun places all the time just isn’t my way of doing this little job I like to call motherhood. It isn’t my journey. My journey is different, and there is nothing wrong with that.
7 comments:
You are one of those mothers I measure myself against! These types of posts are interesting because we all feel the same way about motherhood. I think you are doing a fantastic job. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
I have those thoughts myself. But I am convinced you are a Mom to your kids for a very specific reason!
They know you love them - job done!
p.s. stop reading blogs!
xxxx
Gee Stace, if you feel like you're bad parent then I feel like I don't qualify at all. I hardly ever do crafts with my kids since I really suck at it. I do play video games with them, though and cook and bake and clean with them. I also do sports with them and read a lot to them, since I love reading and want to share that passion with my kids. I really suck at being a stay-at-home mum so I only did it as long as my sanity would allow. And I really admire mums like you who stay home with the kids years and years. I'm a working mum, so I just have to make sure that time I do spend with my kids is extra special. And balancing the time with family and work and other responsibilites is constantly on my mind. I suppose we all do the best we can and keep trying to do a little better than that and hope that our kids will turn out all right. Thanks for the post!
Stacy it won't mean much, but I am always in awe and look and you and feel the exact things you described in your blog. I appreciated the acknowledgement that we do the best we can and move on.
I feel like this alllll the time. Cameron will even flat out ask to do play-doh and I tell him no because I dont' want to clean up the mess....how AWFUL is that??? I feel like a much better mom when we can go outside. I will push my kids in the swing, play on the slides, kick a ball, play baseball....I can do that sort of thing for hours. It's the crafty, messy stuff that I can't handle!!
Thanks for this post!
I was given a part in the Relief Society lesson on Sunday to share with the class how I receive happiness in my life from my family. While I was on the phone with the RS Pres. a piece of paper hanging on my fridge caught my eye. It was a drawing that Carly made in school that was entitled, "Carly's Happy Thoughts" and it was a drawing of me and her...those are the things that truly make me happy as a mother. I have learned not to expect the big things but to live for and relish the little things and hope that it is enough. Thanks for your thoughts. I think every mother out there feels the same way you do.
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